I feel so closed off on this blog.
Oy, did I just write that? WHAT I MEAN IS…
I miss reading. I’ve read a couple books the past week and it was lovely. I ran into another book that I’m, frankly, not really enjoying as much. I feel like I’m going to fall right back into my massive slump. This has been going on for a couple years now.
Naturally, I don’t want to lose that excitement I felt when I finished a book (and thought I was getting back into it). I turned to what I used to. Booktube and blogs. I have to say, I’m more into Booktube lately for the consumption of bookish things. I wanted to start filming for my channel again, but I’m sick right now (hence the reading!), so that’s not gonna happen. Okay! Blogging then. I have a blog. DUH!
Ummm… maybe not.
I love my blog. With all my heart I love this blog. I run through all of my tabs and I get a little nostalgic. I look at the review lists and I remember how much work I put into it to make life easier for anyone who comes across my page. My Blog. I put so much of myself into this blog.
But now it’s dead.
I look through the pages and the post and something inside me chants that. “It’s dead. It’s dead. It’s dead.” And it really feels that way. I don’t feel the heartskip that I used to. I don’t have a swirl of ideas rushing in my brain. Right after the nostalgia goes away I feel empty to it and leave. I’ve been doing this all week.
It’s not just that I don’t feel anything for this blog. I feel something. But I don’t like what I feel. It feels weird and wrong. It feels lifeless. Perhaps because I left it that way, but I think that’s the reason I left. I feel like I’m closed off. Backed into a wall and there’s no one around. There’s no life. I feel no excitement. I don’t want to sit here and read anything on this blog. I sometimes want to write… but I can’t be bothered. I don’t want to have to format and post and hope someone sees it. I don’t want to go through the trouble that I used to find so fun. I have a job and a life and limited free time. I don’t want to spend that time formatting and stressing. Yes, sometimes it was stressing.
I’m not sure what I’m getting at with this. Because I really do still want to talk about books with people. But I feel like I can never do it the same way now that I did before. Maybe Tumblr instead? Youtube? Restart blog? Maybe I will never have a blog or a Youtube channel again. I don’t know. MAYBE…. Maybe I’m just being emotional right now.
I feel so far from the book community. I feel so far from this blog. I just feel sad when I come on here. And I think it might be time to back it up and then wipe the whole thing clean.